April 30, 2009

What is this girl going to do?

These last few months have seen big changes around here for one of us. ManInCharge has been working towards a very real goal. It has given him purpose and focus. It has also given him motivation to address the problem of my holding pattern lifestyle. Now that he is taking steps towards his future, he has noticed that I'm...ummm...not really doing that for myself. I like to tell myself it is because I am living in Japan and so unable to hone my skills in my tiny kitchen. Or I can't plant that vegetable patch this year since we are living in a rental unit. I know that I have been just waiting for quite some time, but I'm not really happy waiting and ManInCharge has noticed too. Over the last couple of weeks he has been encouraging me to think about forming one tangible learning goal in order to deal with some of the inertia and listlessness I seem to be {read: am} experiencing.

...hold on I need a moment... just need to stare at my feet for a bit...
Wheeewww...I feel a bit better...let me keep going now... I would be lying if I said that I agree with ManInCharge. I don't. I don't want to have a goal. I want to have a listless, holding pattern style life. {Okay this is not really true, but change comes real slow for this girl.}

I don't want to be listless {not deep down, not really...}. I just don't want to make a goal for myself. Goals are scary and stressful. What if I can't achieve my goal? Whenever I try to talk to ManInCharge about my goals I end up all defensive, worried that he thinks I am a failure. {An unhappy, sad, listless failure.} Then I start to think about my directionless nature and begin to wonder whether or not I am already in the FAIL column. That paralyzes me. I feel stuck, lost, listless, afraid. {Oh no, I seem to be flying around in circles on this one...}
...
For me, a goal is not about achievement, it's about wondering when am I going to quit. {Isn't that a horrible thing to say out loud?} It's no fun to think too, but apparently when I think it and don't say it, ManInCharge thinks I'm just acting awfully spoiled. He's right. It is. I kind of need to get over this. I really need to get over this and start achieving some goals if I am ever going to stand on my own two feet. {To be honest, I was hoping ManInCharge wouldn't notice and he would let me flail about...but we all know, that's just not the kind of man he is.} I need to do this for me, not for ManInCharge, but for me. I need to prove to myself that I can achieve my goals. Oh heck, that I can even decide on a single goal. So watch this space my friends. This girl has some deciding to do. I don't know what it will be. {I have to talk to ManInCharge and get to the bottom of this tangible, achievable goal concept.} Once I understand what I need to do, I have to decide WHAT I want to do. Ohh, I am so overwhelmed....

...but what does this girl really know? Not much...and I am ready to open the door and try... This time I have ManInCharge here to help me if I stumble...oh my oh my what is this girl going to do?

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